Honor Your Father and Mother

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If we are to render true honor to our parents we must: Understand and forgive them their shortcomings, then transcend them by incorporating and building on their strengths in ourselves.

All of us, having been reared in a society in which the Judeo - Christian strain of ethics is deeply embedded, have undoubtedly heard at various times in our lives the injunction to "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12), which of course is one of the Ten Commandments. A noble sentiment, but one that is sometimes taken (along with other parts of the Bible) at face value: Even, unfortunately, to the point of enduring abuse – physical, emotional, and psychological - from a parent or guardian.

 While the vast majority of such abuse is visited upon children by their parents/guardians unconsciously, it sadly brings with it both immediate and long lasting detrimental effects on physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. According to the latest research published in April 2016, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention cited the following findings regarding the effects of Child Maltreatment:

- “Abuse and neglect during infancy or early childhood can cause regions of the brain to form and function improperly with long-term consequences on cognitive and language abilities, socioemotional development, and mental health. For example, the stress of chronic abuse may cause a "hyperarousal" response in certain areas of the brain, which may result in hyperactivity and sleep disturbances.”

- “Children who experience abuse and neglect are also at increased risk for adverse health effects and certain chronic diseases as adults, including heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, liver disease, obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high levels of C-reactive protein.”

- “In one long-term study, as many as 80% of young adults who had been abused met the diagnostic criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder at age 21. These young adults exhibited many problems, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicide attempts.”

- “Children who experience abuse and neglect are at increased risk for smoking, alcoholism, and drug abuse as adults, as well as engaging in high-risk sexual behaviors.”

This, it would seem, is an all too vivid demonstration of how "the sins of the parents" can be visited "upon their children; the entire family is affected--even children in the third and fourth generations." (Numbers 14:18) All of this information begs the question: How can we truly honor our parents and guardians, if we are continuing to deal with the wounds generated by their abusive behavior?

Forgiveness

The first step, so beautifully articulated by Jesus, is to forgive:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!” (Matthew 18:21-22)

Forgiveness, as modern medicine has discovered, is one of the most potent of healing balms. It helps to clear out the poison pockets of pain, rage, and anger that have welled up in our minds and hearts, keeping us bound in depression, frustration, and physical illness. As the late Dr. Joseph Murphy wrote in his classic self - help best-seller The Power of Your Subconscious Mind:

“Forgiveness of others is essential to mental peace and radiant health. You must forgive everyone who has ever hurt you if you want perfect health and happiness. Forgive yourself by getting your thoughts in harmony with divine law and order. You cannot really forgive yourself completely until you have forgiven others first.” (Chapter 17, “How to use your Subconscious Mind for Forgiveness”)

Part of forgiveness includes, as difficult as it is, being able to step back and objectively look at our childhood and upbringing. This can allow us to understand that our parents and guardians were ultimately doing the best they could with what knowledge and experience they had at their disposal. It also grants us the opportunity to realize that in no way do children bring on themselves such injurious behavior, which is entirely a result of their parents’ psychological conditioning and response patterns. This aids in dispelling any notion of guilt over whether we acted in a way warranting such treatment.

It is also important to note that forgiveness is not synonymous with reconciliation or reengaging in a relationship with the person(s) you are forgiving. As Dr. Murphy wrote, “I feel sure you know that to forgive the other does not necessarily mean that you like him or want to associate with him. You cannot be compelled to like someone…We can, however, love people without liking them.” (Ibid.)

 Love is nothing more than the fulfilling of the Golden Rule, to “Do to others as you would have them do to you”. To forgive is to give for – to give peace for discord, love for anger, and joy for mourning. This is the essence of Jesus’s teaching to “Love your enemies and bless them that curse you”. (Matthew 5:44)  When we can think of the other person in a spirit of peace, wishing them all the blessings of life, we can move forward in the healing process.

Seeing the Good

Once clarity of mind and lightness of heart have been achieved through forgiveness, we can begin to truly honor our parents. A good place to start is by consciously sifting the wheat from the chaff, identifying and incorporating the choice qualities of our parents into our own personalities and consigning the undesirable ones to the fire to be forgotten. Paul expressed this process succinctly in his letter to the Philippians:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

It is through adopting our parent’s strengths and transcending their weaknesses that we render them the highest honor. This was perhaps most poignantly illustrated in the final film of the original Star Wars trilogy, Return of the Jedi. After a vicious lightsaber duel, Luke Skywalker is goaded on by Emperor Palpatine to strike down his father Darth Vader, who before turning to evil was the Jedi hero Anakin Skywalker, and to take his father’s place as the Emperor’s apprentice. Luke, after a moment of temptation, tosses away his lightsaber, firmly proclaiming, “You have failed, your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.” By forgiving the sins of Darth Vader and embracing the virtues of Anakin Skywalker, Luke transcended and ultimately redeemed his father from the dark side.

We must do likewise by confronting the ghosts of traumatic childhood memories and, viewing them in the light of mature understanding, declare that they will no longer hold dominion over our lives. The process is not easy – most if not all of us will undoubtedly experience a long night of trial in our own mental Gethsemanes – but, anointed with illumined Reason and girded by Faith, we shall be able to faithfully fulfill the commandment to truly honor our parents.

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